seems like nothing but bad news at the end of 2009. recently, alan was up for a job at park hills police and made it to the final two... he didn't get it. it sucks seeing him try so hard so many times for this and be kicked in the nuts over and over. it also sucks that he has to continue working in the hell hole for $11 an hour and we have to continue to be poor. i feel so bad for him. he got out of the military thinking life would be easier and better back here and it just isn't. i'm working so hard to just finish school so that one of us can have a decent job. i get that we got married young and without college educations and we are supposed to struggle a little, but c'mon already. he served 5 years in the marine corps, fought in iraq, and can't get a decent job? ::frustration!!::
so now it's christmas time and we are poor. for some reason people think that b/c it's christmas you are obligated to buy gifts for everyone you know. why? everyone complains about not having money and then goes out and buys shit for people just because. if we all quit spending ridiculous money on ridiculous gifts we could stop complaining and just spend time with one another. it sounds much better to me to get together over a lovely home cooked meal and share stories and laughter- not money. i would like to buy for my child and be done. it just isn't that simple though. christmas has become such an obligation and that's sad to me. you're obligated to buy, see, visit, etc... i get that this is baby jesus' b-day, but otherwise, why should december 25 be any different than any other day. why can't i visit you on december 26? it's like valentines day- do we need one day a year to tell someone we love them and get them flowers? it's all so silly to me. maybe i'm shallow... maybe i'm deep... maybe i'm just bitter.
everyone wants so much from you during this time of year. you have to be here to have family dinner, there to bake cookies, somewhere else to buy gifts. i'm not cut out for this crap. i would rather sit at home with my little family watching movies and enjoying my crooked christmas tree. it's hard to feel the holiday cheer when i'm tired, overdrafting my account, sick, and sad because i can't give other people what they are giving to me. i'm over all of it. the only thing that matters to me is seeing bailey's face christmas morning when she sees what santa has brought for her. that is what makes the holidays matter. not setting up schedules to go here and there, or spending too much time wrapping gifts that get torn apart. i don't need gifts from anyone to feel loved at christmas time. i would instead like to have a nice, no stress day. this is wishful thinking of course... but at least i can dream...
the holiday season already has a hole in it without julie. i've done most of my shopping alone, and she would have gone with me. i baked my fudge and cookies alone, and she would have watched and ate the dough. i have to wrap the gifts alone, and she would have done half. and when i started complaining like this, she would tell me to suck it up and get over it. christmas and traditions were so important to her and i'm trying really hard, and just not getting it. it just doesn't matter that much to me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
cowgirl up
today wasn't particularly interesting, yet i found myself during the day making some striking realizations... first, there was no babysitter today so i couldn't do my usual couple of hours at the office. it was just me and bailey. she woke up as the sweet little girl i have come to love, but quickly morphed into this weird 3yr old version of herself that just irritates the piss out of me. i decided to put her in front of nick jr., let them babysit for a little while, so i could do something for myself. i foiled my hair. bad idea. my arms got too tired to finish. so i low lighted the top of my head. it looks alright, but was too much work. i see why people pay to go to the salon. now came shower time. this is where realization number one kicks in. i needed to shave-everything. it had been about 2 weeks for the legs and muff. shaving sucks, especially pregnant. i'm pretty sure i missed some spots, but oh well. so then came the mandatory lotioning. being that it's winter and i have the dryest of dry skin and i'm trying like hell not to get any more stretch marks- i lotion from head to toe every day. this takes a solid 5 minutes. just due to pure surface area. i mean, there is a lot of me to moisturize. so i was rubbing my belly with grease and i had a flash of getting on the scale yesterday at the doctor. i remembered quickly being 18 and going to the doctor to get on the scale. i remember wondering who used the 150lb notch on the scale. at the time i barely broke 100lbs. then i looked in the mirror and with shock and horror realized i was now on the 150lb notch... and then some... oh shit. i decided to go downstairs and eat.
i couldn't bear to be in the house with my little animal anymore so i thought i'd take bailey out and we'd go sell some of my shoes at platos closet. (i found some old 'clubbin' heels when i cleaned out the hall closet to look for christmas decorations.) turns out my $200 plus investment in fuck me heels earned me a grand total of $15.00! they took them all... all 9 pair... and gave me $15! bitches. realization number two: i am no longer ashamed to buy my shoes at wal mart and tj maxx. by the time we got home bailey needed a nap. i stuffed her with some chicken nuggets and french fries and put her to bed. i sat down on the couch to enjoy my frozen pizza and some rachael ray when i had another realization. i'm old. i mean really. i'm eating frozen pizza on the couch waiting for dr. phil and oprah to come on while my toddler takes a nap... oh crap! i am my own worst nightmare. what the hell am i doing in old sweats, knocked up, no makeup, and a ponytail?! i swore i would never be this woman. after a brief moment with myself, i stood up, brushed it off, and decided i like it this way. it's easy being me. i don't care what people think because i have a husband that loves me. i don't need to parade around like a skinny little whore to feel good about myself. i have love in my family. so good for me. in what was about to be a really sad day in my life, i discovered the positive.
so after cooking dinner, doing laundry, dishes, and homework i feel even more proud of myself. and i didn't even have to put heels on. now i'm off to paint my toenails. this is a big step for me. i haven't painted my toes since my last pedicure which is also the last time i painted julies toes- 2 days before she died. for 2 years i haven't gotten a pedicure or painted my toes without doing hers. so i've put it off and now even alan has said something about the sad state of my feet. it is time... so i've got my new polish, it's called 'cowgirl up'.. which i think is fitting!
i couldn't bear to be in the house with my little animal anymore so i thought i'd take bailey out and we'd go sell some of my shoes at platos closet. (i found some old 'clubbin' heels when i cleaned out the hall closet to look for christmas decorations.) turns out my $200 plus investment in fuck me heels earned me a grand total of $15.00! they took them all... all 9 pair... and gave me $15! bitches. realization number two: i am no longer ashamed to buy my shoes at wal mart and tj maxx. by the time we got home bailey needed a nap. i stuffed her with some chicken nuggets and french fries and put her to bed. i sat down on the couch to enjoy my frozen pizza and some rachael ray when i had another realization. i'm old. i mean really. i'm eating frozen pizza on the couch waiting for dr. phil and oprah to come on while my toddler takes a nap... oh crap! i am my own worst nightmare. what the hell am i doing in old sweats, knocked up, no makeup, and a ponytail?! i swore i would never be this woman. after a brief moment with myself, i stood up, brushed it off, and decided i like it this way. it's easy being me. i don't care what people think because i have a husband that loves me. i don't need to parade around like a skinny little whore to feel good about myself. i have love in my family. so good for me. in what was about to be a really sad day in my life, i discovered the positive.
so after cooking dinner, doing laundry, dishes, and homework i feel even more proud of myself. and i didn't even have to put heels on. now i'm off to paint my toenails. this is a big step for me. i haven't painted my toes since my last pedicure which is also the last time i painted julies toes- 2 days before she died. for 2 years i haven't gotten a pedicure or painted my toes without doing hers. so i've put it off and now even alan has said something about the sad state of my feet. it is time... so i've got my new polish, it's called 'cowgirl up'.. which i think is fitting!
Monday, November 30, 2009
trying something new
This isn't really like me, sharing my thoughts and feeling and all... but recently, i feel compelled to release some of what i'm thinking. people keep wanting to talk and i'm not so into that. at the same time, i have things that i wish i could tell people and don't- mostly because i'm a coward. so here goes... a blog... bear with me folks, i'm new at this!
It's been 4 years since i got married and moved away to north carolina. 3 years since i had my first little girl. 2 years since alan got out of the marine corps and we moved back home to florence. 1 year since i decided to go back to school and one day be a lawyer. 6 months since we got the shock of the century that i was pregnant again. 1 month and 3 days since my sister died. i still look in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize myself. it's like when i turned 21 my life did a 180. don't get me wrong, life at this point is much better than i could have pictured for myself at the tender age of 21... but man... 4 years have come and gone like a tornado. now here i am, my tornado at a complete halt. i mean, time keeps ticking and the sun keeps coming up... but things have stopped. 3 years ago when i found out my sister was sick and our days together were numbered, i never pictured myself actually taking flowers to her grave site. i enjoyed living in an ignorant bliss. a place where things were different- she wasn't the julie i had always known, but she was still my julie. now my julie is gone. the hardest part for me isn't looking back, it's looking forward. my past with julie was perfect, but now, i face a future without her. we were supposed to raise our kids together, go on vacations, complain about our husbands, and always get our monthly pedicures. in a life where she had always been my one and only bestest friend there is now a hole. in fact, i had said to her once that i didn't need friends because i had her. she was always telling me to be nicer to people and 'let people in'. i've always had a problem trusting friends, they had an inate way of letting me down. other girls have their best gal pal or group of girls, and for me it was always a combo of best friend/sister. i lost 2 birds with 1 stone. so here i sit with a husband i love dearly, a little girl that makes me smile everyday, and a family of the most compassionate and loving people that exist. what i'm missing is someone to fill the position of best friend. the unfortunate part is that i'm 25 and everyone my age has already established this position-with someone else. i've spent so much time pushing people away and convincing myself that it didn't matter if anyone liked me. it does.
what really sucks is that when i think about the kind of woman i want my little girls to grow into, i think of julie. then i think of how she can't be here to be their example and somehow i have to become a better person. that's going to take a lot of work, and we all know how i feel about work. in honor of julie and that little voice in my head saying, 'don't be stupid kid' i have a few things i have to do in my life. first on that list is to finish college. she always said i was too smart not to. so i'm dragging my pregnant butt to class this term and plan to take online next term so i can keep going through the delivery, etc. i will not let her down. also, i will enthusiastically participate in family traditions and holidays. i will carry on her love of all things family. this list could go on for days... and days... i'll spare you all.
moral of the story... life changes with the flick of switch. we don't always get to choose. sometimes we do. i choose to live for my julie. i will love and laugh everyday. i would hate for her to have to look down upon sadness... julie deserves all the smiles in the world!
It's been 4 years since i got married and moved away to north carolina. 3 years since i had my first little girl. 2 years since alan got out of the marine corps and we moved back home to florence. 1 year since i decided to go back to school and one day be a lawyer. 6 months since we got the shock of the century that i was pregnant again. 1 month and 3 days since my sister died. i still look in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize myself. it's like when i turned 21 my life did a 180. don't get me wrong, life at this point is much better than i could have pictured for myself at the tender age of 21... but man... 4 years have come and gone like a tornado. now here i am, my tornado at a complete halt. i mean, time keeps ticking and the sun keeps coming up... but things have stopped. 3 years ago when i found out my sister was sick and our days together were numbered, i never pictured myself actually taking flowers to her grave site. i enjoyed living in an ignorant bliss. a place where things were different- she wasn't the julie i had always known, but she was still my julie. now my julie is gone. the hardest part for me isn't looking back, it's looking forward. my past with julie was perfect, but now, i face a future without her. we were supposed to raise our kids together, go on vacations, complain about our husbands, and always get our monthly pedicures. in a life where she had always been my one and only bestest friend there is now a hole. in fact, i had said to her once that i didn't need friends because i had her. she was always telling me to be nicer to people and 'let people in'. i've always had a problem trusting friends, they had an inate way of letting me down. other girls have their best gal pal or group of girls, and for me it was always a combo of best friend/sister. i lost 2 birds with 1 stone. so here i sit with a husband i love dearly, a little girl that makes me smile everyday, and a family of the most compassionate and loving people that exist. what i'm missing is someone to fill the position of best friend. the unfortunate part is that i'm 25 and everyone my age has already established this position-with someone else. i've spent so much time pushing people away and convincing myself that it didn't matter if anyone liked me. it does.
what really sucks is that when i think about the kind of woman i want my little girls to grow into, i think of julie. then i think of how she can't be here to be their example and somehow i have to become a better person. that's going to take a lot of work, and we all know how i feel about work. in honor of julie and that little voice in my head saying, 'don't be stupid kid' i have a few things i have to do in my life. first on that list is to finish college. she always said i was too smart not to. so i'm dragging my pregnant butt to class this term and plan to take online next term so i can keep going through the delivery, etc. i will not let her down. also, i will enthusiastically participate in family traditions and holidays. i will carry on her love of all things family. this list could go on for days... and days... i'll spare you all.
moral of the story... life changes with the flick of switch. we don't always get to choose. sometimes we do. i choose to live for my julie. i will love and laugh everyday. i would hate for her to have to look down upon sadness... julie deserves all the smiles in the world!
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