reflecting...

i have been extremely reminiscent lately... it's starting to get annoying. i'm hoping its the pregnancy hormones- i like to blame them for everything. but seriously, i cannot stop thinking about people from the past. mostly i am remembering two specific relationships... i'll just name them because they are so far out of my life that this will never reach them... katie and jessica. these girls were what people call 'best friends' of mine. i believe i may have even used the term BFF at one point or another. i met katie before freshman year started in a speech and drama orientation. we were best friends from that point forward. she was my maid of honor in my wedding. i knew jessica in high school but didn't really get close with her until my days at thomas more. we did everything together. she was also in my wedding. where are these girls now? that's a good question. i have all of these wonderful memories and experiences that we shared. katie and i have sooo many 'firsts' that we went through during those ridiculously awkward high school years. jessica and i shared a ton of 'firsts' during those ridiculously crazy and adventurous college years. we were such huge parts of each others lives. how does this just dissapear without a trace? i guess what blows the most is that there isn't anyone else in my life right now that shared these things with me. to be able to laugh hysterically over old stories would make me feel so good inside. there are so many things that have happened over the years that have changed me into the person that i am and they are two of the biggest influences during most of those years. when other people don't get me... i know they would. or would have. things are very different now, i suppose. katie is living her dream as a news reporter, quickly climbing the ladder of success. jessica graduated from TMC and is living with her boyfriend working at bogarts... i think. i'm married with soon to be two kids, struggling to finish my degree. all three of our lives have gone in polar opposite directions. i just don't understand why we couldn't have stayed friends. what's really sad is that i really just shouldn't care. there was no falling out with katie, just lost touch completely. with jessica there was definitely a falling out... but it was stupid. i don't harbor any ill will or animosity towards these girls. and yet, i received not so much as a congratulations when i got pregnant and had my first child. nothing when i got pregnant with the second. and the one that really stings? NOTHING when julie died. they are both on my list of facebook stalkers and were certainly informed of all of the above. nothing. nothing? that hurts. wow... i must not have meant as much to them as they did or do to me. for goodness sakes, jessica's little sister is getting married and i congratulated her. were all those years a waste? were they lies? was i the only one that thought we were buddies? arg... it's so frustrating. i mean, jessica really knew alan and our relationship- the good and the bad- and it would just be so nice to have someone to talk to about it sometimes that really gets it. she knew how weird we are.

this is not to say that there aren't women in my life now that would totally be there for me if i needed them. i'm just missing that connection to my past. the three people mentioned prior, katie, jessica, and julie... they were the three that really knew ME and where i was coming from. it feels like they are all dead. it feels like all the things that happened in my past have been erased. the memories only live in my head and i could have made them all up because these people are gone. it's like my life started in 2005 with alan and i only have the past 5 years. it's a weird feeling. my rational brain tells me to get over it and go on with life... cultivate the relationships that have stuck around, make new friends, quit bitching because life is really good. i have a husband that i adore- sometimes want to kill- but adore more than any other man creature that lives. i have the most perfect little girl and another to come. i have two families that would do anything for me. what am i complaining about? i don't know. i'm being a woman... and women are fucking crazy.

now get this child out of me already before i get really girl like and cry...