reflecting...

i have been extremely reminiscent lately... it's starting to get annoying. i'm hoping its the pregnancy hormones- i like to blame them for everything. but seriously, i cannot stop thinking about people from the past. mostly i am remembering two specific relationships... i'll just name them because they are so far out of my life that this will never reach them... katie and jessica. these girls were what people call 'best friends' of mine. i believe i may have even used the term BFF at one point or another. i met katie before freshman year started in a speech and drama orientation. we were best friends from that point forward. she was my maid of honor in my wedding. i knew jessica in high school but didn't really get close with her until my days at thomas more. we did everything together. she was also in my wedding. where are these girls now? that's a good question. i have all of these wonderful memories and experiences that we shared. katie and i have sooo many 'firsts' that we went through during those ridiculously awkward high school years. jessica and i shared a ton of 'firsts' during those ridiculously crazy and adventurous college years. we were such huge parts of each others lives. how does this just dissapear without a trace? i guess what blows the most is that there isn't anyone else in my life right now that shared these things with me. to be able to laugh hysterically over old stories would make me feel so good inside. there are so many things that have happened over the years that have changed me into the person that i am and they are two of the biggest influences during most of those years. when other people don't get me... i know they would. or would have. things are very different now, i suppose. katie is living her dream as a news reporter, quickly climbing the ladder of success. jessica graduated from TMC and is living with her boyfriend working at bogarts... i think. i'm married with soon to be two kids, struggling to finish my degree. all three of our lives have gone in polar opposite directions. i just don't understand why we couldn't have stayed friends. what's really sad is that i really just shouldn't care. there was no falling out with katie, just lost touch completely. with jessica there was definitely a falling out... but it was stupid. i don't harbor any ill will or animosity towards these girls. and yet, i received not so much as a congratulations when i got pregnant and had my first child. nothing when i got pregnant with the second. and the one that really stings? NOTHING when julie died. they are both on my list of facebook stalkers and were certainly informed of all of the above. nothing. nothing? that hurts. wow... i must not have meant as much to them as they did or do to me. for goodness sakes, jessica's little sister is getting married and i congratulated her. were all those years a waste? were they lies? was i the only one that thought we were buddies? arg... it's so frustrating. i mean, jessica really knew alan and our relationship- the good and the bad- and it would just be so nice to have someone to talk to about it sometimes that really gets it. she knew how weird we are.

this is not to say that there aren't women in my life now that would totally be there for me if i needed them. i'm just missing that connection to my past. the three people mentioned prior, katie, jessica, and julie... they were the three that really knew ME and where i was coming from. it feels like they are all dead. it feels like all the things that happened in my past have been erased. the memories only live in my head and i could have made them all up because these people are gone. it's like my life started in 2005 with alan and i only have the past 5 years. it's a weird feeling. my rational brain tells me to get over it and go on with life... cultivate the relationships that have stuck around, make new friends, quit bitching because life is really good. i have a husband that i adore- sometimes want to kill- but adore more than any other man creature that lives. i have the most perfect little girl and another to come. i have two families that would do anything for me. what am i complaining about? i don't know. i'm being a woman... and women are fucking crazy.

now get this child out of me already before i get really girl like and cry...

BIG changes

so holy crap things are about to change. another term of school has started and i'm taking on a full load. i have four classes online and that blows, but i am determined to finish this and my bachelors before i am 30. alan leaves sunday for the police academy for 4 months. that's right. he will be gone the last month of my pregnancy and the first 3 months of ava's life. he does get to come home most weekends, but it will still suck. i'm getting a taste of what single parenthood would be like, and i already hate it. no thanks. most days men are useless, but when you need em'-you need em'. ava will be here is 5-6 weeks... depending on if my date gets moved up. i'm not holding my breathe for that. it would be lovely if alan could be here for the delivery, but i have about given up on that. he didn't see bailey born, so i guess it's no big thing. i'm sad that bailey isn't allowed at the hospital because of the whole swine flu bullshit. i will be without her for 3 days and it's going to be hard. i am however super grateful to have family around me this time for help. already, the laundry they have done, painting, moving furniture, donating baby things... it would be impossible to do any of this without them. i also have to remind myself that this is alan's dream and i'm so thrilled for him and for us. as much as the present situation seems to suck, it really doesn't. life is moving forward and things are changing. before i know it, it will be spring, ava will be here, i will turn 26, another term of school will be over, and alan will be out of the academy and onto patrolling the mean streets of park hills.

those who have been around me as of late, let me apologize for my mood. i would like to think that it is the pregnancy hormones causing me to not give a crap about most things. who knows. i hope i'm not this cranky all the time. it is entirely possible though. ha. i just want to sleep and be left alone most of the time. but when i want company and something to do, i want it NOW. i'm difficult. i suppose admitting it is the first step.

mish mash of crap

i've been meaning to do this for a while now... 'blog,' i mean. it crosses my mind every couple of days and i always choose sleep over typing. it's friday night and bailey and alan are both asleep and i just showered... so i thought it would be a good time.

so i'm 30 weeks pregnant and starting to really feel pregnant. it blows. i'm over it. i suppose i shouldn't really complain too much, it's way better this time than with bailey. for me, i think good or bad, pregnancy just sucks. where's the cabbage patch and why can't i just go pick my baby from it? i am however terrified of being a mother of two... seriously terrified. i know how tough it can be to go out in public with one child- but two?! oh shit.

so there's that. it looks like this job thing may actually work out for alan. he seems to have locked down a position with the park hills police dept. he would be leaving for the academy the week of february 15 i think. this is wonderful. the best thing ever. a real job that he actually wants that pays money and has benefits. if it works out the way we hope, i will be elated. only glitch is that he will be in the academy for 16 weeks... while i have a baby. at least i have major help this time with family being all close and stuff. in other news, i'm still plugging away at school. things are going well and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm starting to feel like i can for real do this. it looks like i'll graduate from cincinnati state with my associates in legal assisting and because i'm not a dumb ass and am in the honors program i will get a scholarship to northern to finish my bachelors. it's an exciting feeling. i was starting to think that i would never get a degree of any kind and i would either be doing hair for the rest of forever or working retail. it feels kind of good to 'fulfill my potential' and all that cheesy stuff. even more exciting is the thought that alan and i could possibly become real functioning adults. two people with careers. that's a pretty entertaining thought. maybe one day we can even fully supports ourselves and our family. what a crazy idea.

and then of course i have to say something about julie. i think of her everyday. i dream about her a lot. she just celebrated her first birthday in heaven. i celebrated her birthday without her for the first time. i cried harder on january 12 than on thanksgiving, christmas, and news years combined. we didn't get to have lunch together or go out for cocktails after work. i didn't get to buy her a gift and forget a card. (i always forgot the damn card) birthdays are special. so i went to the cemetary and we shared a snickers bar... yes i broke it in half and ate my half and put hers down in the dirt. and i bought some individual bottles of riesling. i poured one over her pile of dirt for her to enjoy and left the others for mom and dad to enjoy with her. i had a bitter moment because i couldn't drink one too. it was the only way i could think to celebrate. spend some time with 'her' and two of her favorites; chocolate and wine. this is going to sound horribly selfish, but true. i thought things would get easier as time passed, but they don't. i'm not sad for julie anymore. i know (well i don't know, but i believe) she is okay now and she is getting to see and experience everything with us. i'm sad for myself. for not getting to share these things with her. the fact that i don't get to see her face when ava is born or watch her hold her. that i don't get to see her clapping for me when i finally get that stupid degree. it almost makes me angry. and not just for me, but for everyone else too. the whole thing just sucks. i miss you julie. a whole whole lot.

so i guess that's it. a lot of changes in this 'new' year. a lot of things the same. i don't really have any resolutions. i'm just going to keep plugging along and trying to make life better for myself and my family.

the holiday funk

seems like nothing but bad news at the end of 2009. recently, alan was up for a job at park hills police and made it to the final two... he didn't get it. it sucks seeing him try so hard so many times for this and be kicked in the nuts over and over. it also sucks that he has to continue working in the hell hole for $11 an hour and we have to continue to be poor. i feel so bad for him. he got out of the military thinking life would be easier and better back here and it just isn't. i'm working so hard to just finish school so that one of us can have a decent job. i get that we got married young and without college educations and we are supposed to struggle a little, but c'mon already. he served 5 years in the marine corps, fought in iraq, and can't get a decent job? ::frustration!!::

so now it's christmas time and we are poor. for some reason people think that b/c it's christmas you are obligated to buy gifts for everyone you know. why? everyone complains about not having money and then goes out and buys shit for people just because. if we all quit spending ridiculous money on ridiculous gifts we could stop complaining and just spend time with one another. it sounds much better to me to get together over a lovely home cooked meal and share stories and laughter- not money. i would like to buy for my child and be done. it just isn't that simple though. christmas has become such an obligation and that's sad to me. you're obligated to buy, see, visit, etc... i get that this is baby jesus' b-day, but otherwise, why should december 25 be any different than any other day. why can't i visit you on december 26? it's like valentines day- do we need one day a year to tell someone we love them and get them flowers? it's all so silly to me. maybe i'm shallow... maybe i'm deep... maybe i'm just bitter.

everyone wants so much from you during this time of year. you have to be here to have family dinner, there to bake cookies, somewhere else to buy gifts. i'm not cut out for this crap. i would rather sit at home with my little family watching movies and enjoying my crooked christmas tree. it's hard to feel the holiday cheer when i'm tired, overdrafting my account, sick, and sad because i can't give other people what they are giving to me. i'm over all of it. the only thing that matters to me is seeing bailey's face christmas morning when she sees what santa has brought for her. that is what makes the holidays matter. not setting up schedules to go here and there, or spending too much time wrapping gifts that get torn apart. i don't need gifts from anyone to feel loved at christmas time. i would instead like to have a nice, no stress day. this is wishful thinking of course... but at least i can dream...

the holiday season already has a hole in it without julie. i've done most of my shopping alone, and she would have gone with me. i baked my fudge and cookies alone, and she would have watched and ate the dough. i have to wrap the gifts alone, and she would have done half. and when i started complaining like this, she would tell me to suck it up and get over it. christmas and traditions were so important to her and i'm trying really hard, and just not getting it. it just doesn't matter that much to me.

cowgirl up

today wasn't particularly interesting, yet i found myself during the day making some striking realizations... first, there was no babysitter today so i couldn't do my usual couple of hours at the office. it was just me and bailey. she woke up as the sweet little girl i have come to love, but quickly morphed into this weird 3yr old version of herself that just irritates the piss out of me. i decided to put her in front of nick jr., let them babysit for a little while, so i could do something for myself. i foiled my hair. bad idea. my arms got too tired to finish. so i low lighted the top of my head. it looks alright, but was too much work. i see why people pay to go to the salon. now came shower time. this is where realization number one kicks in. i needed to shave-everything. it had been about 2 weeks for the legs and muff. shaving sucks, especially pregnant. i'm pretty sure i missed some spots, but oh well. so then came the mandatory lotioning. being that it's winter and i have the dryest of dry skin and i'm trying like hell not to get any more stretch marks- i lotion from head to toe every day. this takes a solid 5 minutes. just due to pure surface area. i mean, there is a lot of me to moisturize. so i was rubbing my belly with grease and i had a flash of getting on the scale yesterday at the doctor. i remembered quickly being 18 and going to the doctor to get on the scale. i remember wondering who used the 150lb notch on the scale. at the time i barely broke 100lbs. then i looked in the mirror and with shock and horror realized i was now on the 150lb notch... and then some... oh shit. i decided to go downstairs and eat.



i couldn't bear to be in the house with my little animal anymore so i thought i'd take bailey out and we'd go sell some of my shoes at platos closet. (i found some old 'clubbin' heels when i cleaned out the hall closet to look for christmas decorations.) turns out my $200 plus investment in fuck me heels earned me a grand total of $15.00! they took them all... all 9 pair... and gave me $15! bitches. realization number two: i am no longer ashamed to buy my shoes at wal mart and tj maxx. by the time we got home bailey needed a nap. i stuffed her with some chicken nuggets and french fries and put her to bed. i sat down on the couch to enjoy my frozen pizza and some rachael ray when i had another realization. i'm old. i mean really. i'm eating frozen pizza on the couch waiting for dr. phil and oprah to come on while my toddler takes a nap... oh crap! i am my own worst nightmare. what the hell am i doing in old sweats, knocked up, no makeup, and a ponytail?! i swore i would never be this woman. after a brief moment with myself, i stood up, brushed it off, and decided i like it this way. it's easy being me. i don't care what people think because i have a husband that loves me. i don't need to parade around like a skinny little whore to feel good about myself. i have love in my family. so good for me. in what was about to be a really sad day in my life, i discovered the positive.

so after cooking dinner, doing laundry, dishes, and homework i feel even more proud of myself. and i didn't even have to put heels on. now i'm off to paint my toenails. this is a big step for me. i haven't painted my toes since my last pedicure which is also the last time i painted julies toes- 2 days before she died. for 2 years i haven't gotten a pedicure or painted my toes without doing hers. so i've put it off and now even alan has said something about the sad state of my feet. it is time... so i've got my new polish, it's called 'cowgirl up'.. which i think is fitting!

trying something new

This isn't really like me, sharing my thoughts and feeling and all... but recently, i feel compelled to release some of what i'm thinking. people keep wanting to talk and i'm not so into that. at the same time, i have things that i wish i could tell people and don't- mostly because i'm a coward. so here goes... a blog... bear with me folks, i'm new at this!

It's been 4 years since i got married and moved away to north carolina. 3 years since i had my first little girl. 2 years since alan got out of the marine corps and we moved back home to florence. 1 year since i decided to go back to school and one day be a lawyer. 6 months since we got the shock of the century that i was pregnant again. 1 month and 3 days since my sister died. i still look in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize myself. it's like when i turned 21 my life did a 180. don't get me wrong, life at this point is much better than i could have pictured for myself at the tender age of 21... but man... 4 years have come and gone like a tornado. now here i am, my tornado at a complete halt. i mean, time keeps ticking and the sun keeps coming up... but things have stopped. 3 years ago when i found out my sister was sick and our days together were numbered, i never pictured myself actually taking flowers to her grave site. i enjoyed living in an ignorant bliss. a place where things were different- she wasn't the julie i had always known, but she was still my julie. now my julie is gone. the hardest part for me isn't looking back, it's looking forward. my past with julie was perfect, but now, i face a future without her. we were supposed to raise our kids together, go on vacations, complain about our husbands, and always get our monthly pedicures. in a life where she had always been my one and only bestest friend there is now a hole. in fact, i had said to her once that i didn't need friends because i had her. she was always telling me to be nicer to people and 'let people in'. i've always had a problem trusting friends, they had an inate way of letting me down. other girls have their best gal pal or group of girls, and for me it was always a combo of best friend/sister. i lost 2 birds with 1 stone. so here i sit with a husband i love dearly, a little girl that makes me smile everyday, and a family of the most compassionate and loving people that exist. what i'm missing is someone to fill the position of best friend. the unfortunate part is that i'm 25 and everyone my age has already established this position-with someone else. i've spent so much time pushing people away and convincing myself that it didn't matter if anyone liked me. it does.

what really sucks is that when i think about the kind of woman i want my little girls to grow into, i think of julie. then i think of how she can't be here to be their example and somehow i have to become a better person. that's going to take a lot of work, and we all know how i feel about work. in honor of julie and that little voice in my head saying, 'don't be stupid kid' i have a few things i have to do in my life. first on that list is to finish college. she always said i was too smart not to. so i'm dragging my pregnant butt to class this term and plan to take online next term so i can keep going through the delivery, etc. i will not let her down. also, i will enthusiastically participate in family traditions and holidays. i will carry on her love of all things family. this list could go on for days... and days... i'll spare you all.

moral of the story... life changes with the flick of switch. we don't always get to choose. sometimes we do. i choose to live for my julie. i will love and laugh everyday. i would hate for her to have to look down upon sadness... julie deserves all the smiles in the world!