reflecting...

i have been extremely reminiscent lately... it's starting to get annoying. i'm hoping its the pregnancy hormones- i like to blame them for everything. but seriously, i cannot stop thinking about people from the past. mostly i am remembering two specific relationships... i'll just name them because they are so far out of my life that this will never reach them... katie and jessica. these girls were what people call 'best friends' of mine. i believe i may have even used the term BFF at one point or another. i met katie before freshman year started in a speech and drama orientation. we were best friends from that point forward. she was my maid of honor in my wedding. i knew jessica in high school but didn't really get close with her until my days at thomas more. we did everything together. she was also in my wedding. where are these girls now? that's a good question. i have all of these wonderful memories and experiences that we shared. katie and i have sooo many 'firsts' that we went through during those ridiculously awkward high school years. jessica and i shared a ton of 'firsts' during those ridiculously crazy and adventurous college years. we were such huge parts of each others lives. how does this just dissapear without a trace? i guess what blows the most is that there isn't anyone else in my life right now that shared these things with me. to be able to laugh hysterically over old stories would make me feel so good inside. there are so many things that have happened over the years that have changed me into the person that i am and they are two of the biggest influences during most of those years. when other people don't get me... i know they would. or would have. things are very different now, i suppose. katie is living her dream as a news reporter, quickly climbing the ladder of success. jessica graduated from TMC and is living with her boyfriend working at bogarts... i think. i'm married with soon to be two kids, struggling to finish my degree. all three of our lives have gone in polar opposite directions. i just don't understand why we couldn't have stayed friends. what's really sad is that i really just shouldn't care. there was no falling out with katie, just lost touch completely. with jessica there was definitely a falling out... but it was stupid. i don't harbor any ill will or animosity towards these girls. and yet, i received not so much as a congratulations when i got pregnant and had my first child. nothing when i got pregnant with the second. and the one that really stings? NOTHING when julie died. they are both on my list of facebook stalkers and were certainly informed of all of the above. nothing. nothing? that hurts. wow... i must not have meant as much to them as they did or do to me. for goodness sakes, jessica's little sister is getting married and i congratulated her. were all those years a waste? were they lies? was i the only one that thought we were buddies? arg... it's so frustrating. i mean, jessica really knew alan and our relationship- the good and the bad- and it would just be so nice to have someone to talk to about it sometimes that really gets it. she knew how weird we are.

this is not to say that there aren't women in my life now that would totally be there for me if i needed them. i'm just missing that connection to my past. the three people mentioned prior, katie, jessica, and julie... they were the three that really knew ME and where i was coming from. it feels like they are all dead. it feels like all the things that happened in my past have been erased. the memories only live in my head and i could have made them all up because these people are gone. it's like my life started in 2005 with alan and i only have the past 5 years. it's a weird feeling. my rational brain tells me to get over it and go on with life... cultivate the relationships that have stuck around, make new friends, quit bitching because life is really good. i have a husband that i adore- sometimes want to kill- but adore more than any other man creature that lives. i have the most perfect little girl and another to come. i have two families that would do anything for me. what am i complaining about? i don't know. i'm being a woman... and women are fucking crazy.

now get this child out of me already before i get really girl like and cry...

BIG changes

so holy crap things are about to change. another term of school has started and i'm taking on a full load. i have four classes online and that blows, but i am determined to finish this and my bachelors before i am 30. alan leaves sunday for the police academy for 4 months. that's right. he will be gone the last month of my pregnancy and the first 3 months of ava's life. he does get to come home most weekends, but it will still suck. i'm getting a taste of what single parenthood would be like, and i already hate it. no thanks. most days men are useless, but when you need em'-you need em'. ava will be here is 5-6 weeks... depending on if my date gets moved up. i'm not holding my breathe for that. it would be lovely if alan could be here for the delivery, but i have about given up on that. he didn't see bailey born, so i guess it's no big thing. i'm sad that bailey isn't allowed at the hospital because of the whole swine flu bullshit. i will be without her for 3 days and it's going to be hard. i am however super grateful to have family around me this time for help. already, the laundry they have done, painting, moving furniture, donating baby things... it would be impossible to do any of this without them. i also have to remind myself that this is alan's dream and i'm so thrilled for him and for us. as much as the present situation seems to suck, it really doesn't. life is moving forward and things are changing. before i know it, it will be spring, ava will be here, i will turn 26, another term of school will be over, and alan will be out of the academy and onto patrolling the mean streets of park hills.

those who have been around me as of late, let me apologize for my mood. i would like to think that it is the pregnancy hormones causing me to not give a crap about most things. who knows. i hope i'm not this cranky all the time. it is entirely possible though. ha. i just want to sleep and be left alone most of the time. but when i want company and something to do, i want it NOW. i'm difficult. i suppose admitting it is the first step.

mish mash of crap

i've been meaning to do this for a while now... 'blog,' i mean. it crosses my mind every couple of days and i always choose sleep over typing. it's friday night and bailey and alan are both asleep and i just showered... so i thought it would be a good time.

so i'm 30 weeks pregnant and starting to really feel pregnant. it blows. i'm over it. i suppose i shouldn't really complain too much, it's way better this time than with bailey. for me, i think good or bad, pregnancy just sucks. where's the cabbage patch and why can't i just go pick my baby from it? i am however terrified of being a mother of two... seriously terrified. i know how tough it can be to go out in public with one child- but two?! oh shit.

so there's that. it looks like this job thing may actually work out for alan. he seems to have locked down a position with the park hills police dept. he would be leaving for the academy the week of february 15 i think. this is wonderful. the best thing ever. a real job that he actually wants that pays money and has benefits. if it works out the way we hope, i will be elated. only glitch is that he will be in the academy for 16 weeks... while i have a baby. at least i have major help this time with family being all close and stuff. in other news, i'm still plugging away at school. things are going well and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm starting to feel like i can for real do this. it looks like i'll graduate from cincinnati state with my associates in legal assisting and because i'm not a dumb ass and am in the honors program i will get a scholarship to northern to finish my bachelors. it's an exciting feeling. i was starting to think that i would never get a degree of any kind and i would either be doing hair for the rest of forever or working retail. it feels kind of good to 'fulfill my potential' and all that cheesy stuff. even more exciting is the thought that alan and i could possibly become real functioning adults. two people with careers. that's a pretty entertaining thought. maybe one day we can even fully supports ourselves and our family. what a crazy idea.

and then of course i have to say something about julie. i think of her everyday. i dream about her a lot. she just celebrated her first birthday in heaven. i celebrated her birthday without her for the first time. i cried harder on january 12 than on thanksgiving, christmas, and news years combined. we didn't get to have lunch together or go out for cocktails after work. i didn't get to buy her a gift and forget a card. (i always forgot the damn card) birthdays are special. so i went to the cemetary and we shared a snickers bar... yes i broke it in half and ate my half and put hers down in the dirt. and i bought some individual bottles of riesling. i poured one over her pile of dirt for her to enjoy and left the others for mom and dad to enjoy with her. i had a bitter moment because i couldn't drink one too. it was the only way i could think to celebrate. spend some time with 'her' and two of her favorites; chocolate and wine. this is going to sound horribly selfish, but true. i thought things would get easier as time passed, but they don't. i'm not sad for julie anymore. i know (well i don't know, but i believe) she is okay now and she is getting to see and experience everything with us. i'm sad for myself. for not getting to share these things with her. the fact that i don't get to see her face when ava is born or watch her hold her. that i don't get to see her clapping for me when i finally get that stupid degree. it almost makes me angry. and not just for me, but for everyone else too. the whole thing just sucks. i miss you julie. a whole whole lot.

so i guess that's it. a lot of changes in this 'new' year. a lot of things the same. i don't really have any resolutions. i'm just going to keep plugging along and trying to make life better for myself and my family.