mish mash of crap

i've been meaning to do this for a while now... 'blog,' i mean. it crosses my mind every couple of days and i always choose sleep over typing. it's friday night and bailey and alan are both asleep and i just showered... so i thought it would be a good time.

so i'm 30 weeks pregnant and starting to really feel pregnant. it blows. i'm over it. i suppose i shouldn't really complain too much, it's way better this time than with bailey. for me, i think good or bad, pregnancy just sucks. where's the cabbage patch and why can't i just go pick my baby from it? i am however terrified of being a mother of two... seriously terrified. i know how tough it can be to go out in public with one child- but two?! oh shit.

so there's that. it looks like this job thing may actually work out for alan. he seems to have locked down a position with the park hills police dept. he would be leaving for the academy the week of february 15 i think. this is wonderful. the best thing ever. a real job that he actually wants that pays money and has benefits. if it works out the way we hope, i will be elated. only glitch is that he will be in the academy for 16 weeks... while i have a baby. at least i have major help this time with family being all close and stuff. in other news, i'm still plugging away at school. things are going well and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm starting to feel like i can for real do this. it looks like i'll graduate from cincinnati state with my associates in legal assisting and because i'm not a dumb ass and am in the honors program i will get a scholarship to northern to finish my bachelors. it's an exciting feeling. i was starting to think that i would never get a degree of any kind and i would either be doing hair for the rest of forever or working retail. it feels kind of good to 'fulfill my potential' and all that cheesy stuff. even more exciting is the thought that alan and i could possibly become real functioning adults. two people with careers. that's a pretty entertaining thought. maybe one day we can even fully supports ourselves and our family. what a crazy idea.

and then of course i have to say something about julie. i think of her everyday. i dream about her a lot. she just celebrated her first birthday in heaven. i celebrated her birthday without her for the first time. i cried harder on january 12 than on thanksgiving, christmas, and news years combined. we didn't get to have lunch together or go out for cocktails after work. i didn't get to buy her a gift and forget a card. (i always forgot the damn card) birthdays are special. so i went to the cemetary and we shared a snickers bar... yes i broke it in half and ate my half and put hers down in the dirt. and i bought some individual bottles of riesling. i poured one over her pile of dirt for her to enjoy and left the others for mom and dad to enjoy with her. i had a bitter moment because i couldn't drink one too. it was the only way i could think to celebrate. spend some time with 'her' and two of her favorites; chocolate and wine. this is going to sound horribly selfish, but true. i thought things would get easier as time passed, but they don't. i'm not sad for julie anymore. i know (well i don't know, but i believe) she is okay now and she is getting to see and experience everything with us. i'm sad for myself. for not getting to share these things with her. the fact that i don't get to see her face when ava is born or watch her hold her. that i don't get to see her clapping for me when i finally get that stupid degree. it almost makes me angry. and not just for me, but for everyone else too. the whole thing just sucks. i miss you julie. a whole whole lot.

so i guess that's it. a lot of changes in this 'new' year. a lot of things the same. i don't really have any resolutions. i'm just going to keep plugging along and trying to make life better for myself and my family.