trying something new

This isn't really like me, sharing my thoughts and feeling and all... but recently, i feel compelled to release some of what i'm thinking. people keep wanting to talk and i'm not so into that. at the same time, i have things that i wish i could tell people and don't- mostly because i'm a coward. so here goes... a blog... bear with me folks, i'm new at this!

It's been 4 years since i got married and moved away to north carolina. 3 years since i had my first little girl. 2 years since alan got out of the marine corps and we moved back home to florence. 1 year since i decided to go back to school and one day be a lawyer. 6 months since we got the shock of the century that i was pregnant again. 1 month and 3 days since my sister died. i still look in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize myself. it's like when i turned 21 my life did a 180. don't get me wrong, life at this point is much better than i could have pictured for myself at the tender age of 21... but man... 4 years have come and gone like a tornado. now here i am, my tornado at a complete halt. i mean, time keeps ticking and the sun keeps coming up... but things have stopped. 3 years ago when i found out my sister was sick and our days together were numbered, i never pictured myself actually taking flowers to her grave site. i enjoyed living in an ignorant bliss. a place where things were different- she wasn't the julie i had always known, but she was still my julie. now my julie is gone. the hardest part for me isn't looking back, it's looking forward. my past with julie was perfect, but now, i face a future without her. we were supposed to raise our kids together, go on vacations, complain about our husbands, and always get our monthly pedicures. in a life where she had always been my one and only bestest friend there is now a hole. in fact, i had said to her once that i didn't need friends because i had her. she was always telling me to be nicer to people and 'let people in'. i've always had a problem trusting friends, they had an inate way of letting me down. other girls have their best gal pal or group of girls, and for me it was always a combo of best friend/sister. i lost 2 birds with 1 stone. so here i sit with a husband i love dearly, a little girl that makes me smile everyday, and a family of the most compassionate and loving people that exist. what i'm missing is someone to fill the position of best friend. the unfortunate part is that i'm 25 and everyone my age has already established this position-with someone else. i've spent so much time pushing people away and convincing myself that it didn't matter if anyone liked me. it does.

what really sucks is that when i think about the kind of woman i want my little girls to grow into, i think of julie. then i think of how she can't be here to be their example and somehow i have to become a better person. that's going to take a lot of work, and we all know how i feel about work. in honor of julie and that little voice in my head saying, 'don't be stupid kid' i have a few things i have to do in my life. first on that list is to finish college. she always said i was too smart not to. so i'm dragging my pregnant butt to class this term and plan to take online next term so i can keep going through the delivery, etc. i will not let her down. also, i will enthusiastically participate in family traditions and holidays. i will carry on her love of all things family. this list could go on for days... and days... i'll spare you all.

moral of the story... life changes with the flick of switch. we don't always get to choose. sometimes we do. i choose to live for my julie. i will love and laugh everyday. i would hate for her to have to look down upon sadness... julie deserves all the smiles in the world!