cowgirl up

today wasn't particularly interesting, yet i found myself during the day making some striking realizations... first, there was no babysitter today so i couldn't do my usual couple of hours at the office. it was just me and bailey. she woke up as the sweet little girl i have come to love, but quickly morphed into this weird 3yr old version of herself that just irritates the piss out of me. i decided to put her in front of nick jr., let them babysit for a little while, so i could do something for myself. i foiled my hair. bad idea. my arms got too tired to finish. so i low lighted the top of my head. it looks alright, but was too much work. i see why people pay to go to the salon. now came shower time. this is where realization number one kicks in. i needed to shave-everything. it had been about 2 weeks for the legs and muff. shaving sucks, especially pregnant. i'm pretty sure i missed some spots, but oh well. so then came the mandatory lotioning. being that it's winter and i have the dryest of dry skin and i'm trying like hell not to get any more stretch marks- i lotion from head to toe every day. this takes a solid 5 minutes. just due to pure surface area. i mean, there is a lot of me to moisturize. so i was rubbing my belly with grease and i had a flash of getting on the scale yesterday at the doctor. i remembered quickly being 18 and going to the doctor to get on the scale. i remember wondering who used the 150lb notch on the scale. at the time i barely broke 100lbs. then i looked in the mirror and with shock and horror realized i was now on the 150lb notch... and then some... oh shit. i decided to go downstairs and eat.



i couldn't bear to be in the house with my little animal anymore so i thought i'd take bailey out and we'd go sell some of my shoes at platos closet. (i found some old 'clubbin' heels when i cleaned out the hall closet to look for christmas decorations.) turns out my $200 plus investment in fuck me heels earned me a grand total of $15.00! they took them all... all 9 pair... and gave me $15! bitches. realization number two: i am no longer ashamed to buy my shoes at wal mart and tj maxx. by the time we got home bailey needed a nap. i stuffed her with some chicken nuggets and french fries and put her to bed. i sat down on the couch to enjoy my frozen pizza and some rachael ray when i had another realization. i'm old. i mean really. i'm eating frozen pizza on the couch waiting for dr. phil and oprah to come on while my toddler takes a nap... oh crap! i am my own worst nightmare. what the hell am i doing in old sweats, knocked up, no makeup, and a ponytail?! i swore i would never be this woman. after a brief moment with myself, i stood up, brushed it off, and decided i like it this way. it's easy being me. i don't care what people think because i have a husband that loves me. i don't need to parade around like a skinny little whore to feel good about myself. i have love in my family. so good for me. in what was about to be a really sad day in my life, i discovered the positive.

so after cooking dinner, doing laundry, dishes, and homework i feel even more proud of myself. and i didn't even have to put heels on. now i'm off to paint my toenails. this is a big step for me. i haven't painted my toes since my last pedicure which is also the last time i painted julies toes- 2 days before she died. for 2 years i haven't gotten a pedicure or painted my toes without doing hers. so i've put it off and now even alan has said something about the sad state of my feet. it is time... so i've got my new polish, it's called 'cowgirl up'.. which i think is fitting!