the holiday funk

seems like nothing but bad news at the end of 2009. recently, alan was up for a job at park hills police and made it to the final two... he didn't get it. it sucks seeing him try so hard so many times for this and be kicked in the nuts over and over. it also sucks that he has to continue working in the hell hole for $11 an hour and we have to continue to be poor. i feel so bad for him. he got out of the military thinking life would be easier and better back here and it just isn't. i'm working so hard to just finish school so that one of us can have a decent job. i get that we got married young and without college educations and we are supposed to struggle a little, but c'mon already. he served 5 years in the marine corps, fought in iraq, and can't get a decent job? ::frustration!!::

so now it's christmas time and we are poor. for some reason people think that b/c it's christmas you are obligated to buy gifts for everyone you know. why? everyone complains about not having money and then goes out and buys shit for people just because. if we all quit spending ridiculous money on ridiculous gifts we could stop complaining and just spend time with one another. it sounds much better to me to get together over a lovely home cooked meal and share stories and laughter- not money. i would like to buy for my child and be done. it just isn't that simple though. christmas has become such an obligation and that's sad to me. you're obligated to buy, see, visit, etc... i get that this is baby jesus' b-day, but otherwise, why should december 25 be any different than any other day. why can't i visit you on december 26? it's like valentines day- do we need one day a year to tell someone we love them and get them flowers? it's all so silly to me. maybe i'm shallow... maybe i'm deep... maybe i'm just bitter.

everyone wants so much from you during this time of year. you have to be here to have family dinner, there to bake cookies, somewhere else to buy gifts. i'm not cut out for this crap. i would rather sit at home with my little family watching movies and enjoying my crooked christmas tree. it's hard to feel the holiday cheer when i'm tired, overdrafting my account, sick, and sad because i can't give other people what they are giving to me. i'm over all of it. the only thing that matters to me is seeing bailey's face christmas morning when she sees what santa has brought for her. that is what makes the holidays matter. not setting up schedules to go here and there, or spending too much time wrapping gifts that get torn apart. i don't need gifts from anyone to feel loved at christmas time. i would instead like to have a nice, no stress day. this is wishful thinking of course... but at least i can dream...

the holiday season already has a hole in it without julie. i've done most of my shopping alone, and she would have gone with me. i baked my fudge and cookies alone, and she would have watched and ate the dough. i have to wrap the gifts alone, and she would have done half. and when i started complaining like this, she would tell me to suck it up and get over it. christmas and traditions were so important to her and i'm trying really hard, and just not getting it. it just doesn't matter that much to me.